So many things to do, so few priority choices...
And let's not even start on the things that are a complete waste of time, yet required to do...
Corporate bureaucracy sure takes its toll. My sympathy for Dilbert comic strips exponentially increases.

Everything beautiful in this world is made from sadness, suffering or destruction. I hope there is no God that created  it.

Sometimes it feels like after you live through everything good, only sadness remains with you. I wonder if that's just me.

Hunger

Watch a child cling to his mother. Watch him cling to his favorite toy, never letting it out of his hand. It's the basic instinct like there, like a pup clings to food. As always, it's the pure child that reveals the true human nature. Humans eat the world!

The more I struggle the less I understand how can there be people dumber than me in every aspect and how the hell they manage to survive (at times more than just a little succesful).
Reveal your secrets, Life!

My lucky days

Sometimes it gets on my nerves how people don't understand what makes them feel happy or unhappy. It made me feel quite aggrevated listenong on two old hags @ bus stop discussing how they, when they were young, had nothing and didn't complain about it like their grandchildren.
Sure, there are people who have less and there are people who have more, yet their happiness is never proportional. It's always your environment and perception of it that makes you feel one way or another. It's better to be king of fools than the unluckiest among the lucky and blessed are the ones that are ignorant.
One way to deal with it is probably looking at people less lucky than you are. For the same reason people, who do charity work, are always a little more positive than they should be. It's a lowly method belittling others, but it does get the job done. Still it does not last and does not work on people for whome it's hard to turn off the reality switch (it's especially dangerous for these people because they can just break down in sadness and despaor, how life is unfair). Real world is always chasing after you and reminding, that you could have even more, but do not.

So how do you make someone else feel better? You make them aware that they had it better and their dreams are just fleeting everchanging hope (without mentioning it straightforward to their face, ofc.) How do you make yourself feel better? You use every opportunity to get lucky at anything at all, even the smallest things. What if it doesn't work? Well, life sucks.

The last couple of days I keep thinking that I should hate feeling so apathetic and disinterested in anything. But whatever, who cares, nothing really matters.

Regarding weather or not the meat is too old, I will have to agree with people saying "If in doubt - toss it".
Fuck, getting this smell out of my apartment will probably take weeks.

Remember - this moment is already a past.

Been wanting to do a little compilation of future. Since it's all videos, I will put it under a cut.

Why kids are rotten

I have to log in to get access to the source page of
this picture, so instead have a link to this

I never thought about it, but it just hit me while watching Shigofumi.
The thing with today's youth is that they are too apathetic, they lack any sense of empathy, responsibility, ethics, tolerance etc. etc. etc. They are apathetic and the only think holding them from going apeshit anarchic is fear of authority. And you just know it's not going to last. So where is the root cause? Is it their parents fault or the society as a whole? Well - partly both.
Parents, trying their best to give their kids proper childhood, are always trying to shield them from anything bad. And society as a whole accepts it and encourages it. And the problem lies at how good both of them are at it.
I consider myself a good person. My morals may not be the ones of a shining white knight, but at least I always try my best to remain a good person. Whenever I tried to remember what exactly formed me as such, I remember the TV-shows I watched as a kid about angels and generally people being every-day heroes and such. I thought that it was maybe the good deeds they did, like most parents would think, but essentially it's completely wrong. What really affected me, was the tragedy. The tragedies I saw formed in an imaginary world, imaginary people struggling with their life, imaginary families being destroyed, imagining myself in their place, imagining the pain they I would feel in their place. I do not wish to feel so much pain, to live in a world full of such tragedies or even to be reminded daily that the pain could be real. And that's what the youth today lacks.
Youth today is given just heroes that will save them from any small distress, they are given a bright and shiny world of cool stuff, they are given hope and dreams of future close to utopia, they are given the source of security, that nobody will hurt them and that the whole world is there to protect them. I`m not saying it's bad, if great, it's fantastic, in fact, that we can reach such results just a half century away from the World War 2. But they never get the chance or the time, or the need to discover what a tragedy feels like and that's why they never develop necessary emotional responses to protect the world from tragedies.

I realized that my computer is dying and there is no way for me to scrap enough money together for a new one. I would like to elaborate on this, but I will not, as it's too sad and depressing to write or publish.

Things to note:

• I have started drinking tea with milk. Well, I usually don't have milk laying around and if I do - its old, so I substitute my milk with milk powder. Good enough for tea, it's the taste you want anyway, not the fat.
• Watched Gantz Live Action movies 1 and 2. Not shit-tier, but I`m quite sure nobody, who doesn't already know Gantz, would enjoy it. And even then the story has been changed quite dramatically due to lack of screen-time and budget.

• I installed aNTP (can't ever remember its full name without looking it up) on my google chrome. Looks interesting and will try it out for a while. Sadly, I`m no designer and thus it looks tasteless, but I hope my damn sweetheart will be able to fix that.
• I really need to start saving up some money, thus I really need to stop spending so much money. I`m afraid, however, they I will need every last penny I have soon, since I`m unsure weather I will be allowed to keep renting my current apartment. And the prices on apartments have kind of skyrocketed. Hopefully everything will come out better than expected.
• Last few days I feel like my brain has been working with 40% or less efficiency. Well, I don't really need more than 10% to get along, but still it does come with some negative effects. One of which is me getting increasingly more extroverted due to increased anxiety about future. People get to know parts and bits of me, when I get extroverted. People don't really like me. I need to find a way to stop doing it and just shut up.
• I somehow decided I could start learning Japanese by frequenting on 2chan. I`m somehow still procrastinating.

You and me - we are the same electron

So, there I was, typical Wednesday morning of me not sleeping, having breakfast and watching youtube video . I have watched some quantum physics stuff, I have heard that quantum particles can be in several places at once, that they are not bound by time etc. etc. For now mostly I brush off to that we probably just don't understand something yet,

Sauce

I mean, it can't be completely right like that... And then comes the part about John Wheeler up and it's just thrown at me that the whole damn universe, me, you, every beautiful and every disgusting thing in the world, consists of the same one electron. And that's when my mind blew. Thankfully, not for long, but it's still an extremely interesting and yet unpopular idea.
Everyone and everything might just turn out to be one and the same thing, but boiled down, it's even less impressive or meaningful than we like to imagine that idea.

Another YouTube thing, that has been torturing me for some time, came in this silly video about pyramids. I will have to be vague about this, as it was the mathematics and formulas in it. The thing is, there is something missing and something is just not alright with the wild theories they are spewing out the, but I can't crosscheck or even try to understand, what it could be, as I`m bad at maths. And that leaves me to only two decisions: believe them unconditionally or dismiss it as bullocks based on my gut feelings. And I`m even worse with those two options, than I`m with maths. Hopefully I will forget about it soon enough.


I believe now, that there is one important thing wrong with mass media education and nobody really realizes it. By pursuing the attention of viewers, the mass media are always trying to show them the most fascinating things and they extremely often do that not by explaining things, but by raising questions. Unfortunately, most of these questions are such that probably no one in this life time will be able to answer them. So eventually, if someone does get positively influenced by these educational programs, they haven't got the slimmest idea on how to solve problem, how to give answers to anything or how to explain what the fuck is going on in the world. It wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, as the college is there to teach that to them, if they have the interest, however, the interest is the problem. It's in human nature to lose all the interest once they discover that nothing is going according to have they have planned.
Though I may be wrong about all that and it's just my frustration, that comes from so rarely finding new information in YouTube videos. They are like goddamn fiction books - every smallest thought and information worth reading is piled under heaps of unnecessary fillers and words that, the author thinks, look beautiful.

Turns out I was a little wrong. Instead of planned 206h for this month, I have 186h according to plan. Should have gone to work earlier today.
What does it matter? It matters because now I know that I will be having 14h shifts for tomorrow and after tomorrow. And then continue on working normally for the next 6, maybe 7 days.
Oh the joys of greed.

Recap series - Something new

Now then, I have established my own comfort-zone and I`m fully assured that my identity is completely worked-out. What now?
Now is the time to willfully leave my comfort-zone and start expanding my world by trying out new things. Not taking it to the extreme, but recently from time to time I buy something new for my dinner, I started trying out all kinds of alcohol (which I do not enjoy all that much, no matter how often I drink...in fact I regularly have unfinished bottles at home, that I can't bring myself to finish) etc. etc.
Sometimes I end up wasting money, sometimes I discover that I love Japanese kitchen.

To confess, I have been thinking of trying out some hard drugs too, but due to my personality I`m not up to doing it unsupervised by someone I trust. And also I have no idea how to acquire them, as I never had real interest in that. What am I expecting? I`m expecting to have a chemical reaction that will mess up my brain activity and I would like to see weather I`m able to keep it together even when under influence of drugs. Seems to work with any amount of alcohol. And yeah, finally being able to understand people's though patterns when are under influence - that's a nice bonus too.

Trying out new stuff keeps the illusion that the world hasn't stopped for me yet.

Just thinking out loud here again

If someone were to ask me a question "What do you think of kids being raised by homosexual couples?" my answer would be "They are a necessary sacrifices."
Obviously I can't think that a kid raised by a homosexual couple wouldn't get damaged or twisted or would always feel like he fits in a normal society. Obviously I can't think that because our society doesn't fully understand and tolerate such families. I do, I tolerate it myself, I don't really even care and I think that nobody should really even care. However, people do care and that's why these kids can't have a normal childhood. And a certain number of these kids will have to be sacrificed before our society will finally be able to accept it, to tolerate it, to live with it. Before it will become normal like it should be.

Well, that's one.

Welcome to the N.H.K., the show where the 10% and 90%
 reference came from

Now, if we think about it in a much broader sense - we are all sacrifices. Every each human being that has lived so far, has been a sacrifice, sacrifice meant for building a better world. We live in a 10% happiness and 90% suffering world constantly hoping for a better life and every day working to achieve it. Of course we will not achieve the perfect goal, but with each generation we come a small step closer to it for the whole of humanity.
Maybe we do not realise or fully understand it, but it is what it is and we are all sacrifices.

So consider this blog entry a huge Fuck You to everyone letting those sacrifices be in vain.

Alcohol

Picture found on wallbase.cc and I couldn't care less
about the original source for the moment

For some reason most of the non-drinkers seem to be very opinionated about alcohol. Well, I`m one of them.

And so I have returned

I have returned to elaborate a bit on my previous blog entry.

Beautiful people start turning ugly and ugly people get even uglier.

 To most people it's clear as sky, why beautiful people turn ugly as you get to know them, however at the same time most people like to hold to the opinion that ugly people are mostly beautiful on the inside as they don't get tainted by the shallowness in this world. Well...that's wrong.
The dumb thing is that our society by itself is quite ugly. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, it's debatable) people that look good tend to have it all in their lives easier, while ugly people get the short end of the stick. While beauties can concentrate on whatever they do, deal only with the consequences of their own choices and overall live a normal life full with affection, love and attention, the ugly people, additionally to all that, have to deal with the society and its shortcomings and its shallowness. It really might not sound as much, but when you deal with it every day of your life, it does grow a certain bitterness and hatred on you and the question is - how you deal with it. Unfortunately most people deal with ir poorly, thus most ugly people are actually shallow and primitive as well which sadly makes a lesser human beings out of them. I mean, if they don't dealt with constant rejection correctly, offering a self sacrifice, they usually end up bitter and full with inner, biased hatred which culminates in kind of repulsive characteristic traits of theirs. In primitive words - bitches and douches.
I am not saying that beautiful people are never like that, but to tell the truth, it takes a special kind of effort for them to become like that. Have to say, that narcissism is an enemy you don't want to face (though ugly people also get it from time to time). The difference lies in that for ugly people it's a trial they have to overcome, while for beautiful people it's their own stupid choice they make.

Unfortunately I think I will have to leave it at at that for now, because I can't find a way to express exactly what I mean in proper words.

xoxoxo

Picture related: the fake world we look at.

In the society there is a popular opinion that when people get older - they tend not to count the looks of other people so much. In other words, that with age the standards lower. Well, it doesn't seem to be the case for me.
I'm not a really..urm...pretentious/ostentatious person [can't really find a proper translation for ārišķīgs in English, there is probably no such word, so let me explain: not someone who pays a great deal of attention to looks] yet with each day I pay more attention to everybody's outer shell. It doesn't mean that I consider prettier people being better and like them more, nope. It's more like there is some huge part of my naivete being killed, thus I have come to know people better, I predict their thoughts and behaviour more accurate and faster, I can see their deeper ugly selves even when they are being the nicest people on the world. Beautiful people start turning ugly and ugly people get even uglier. Only few people are spared from my judgement because I don't see anything bad in their personality from how they look.
So yeah, the world is getting uglier for me and the worst thing is: I don't really care and I actually deal with it. I could even say that I`m starting to turn unscrupulous, bet I doubt that anyone would understand me on that.

People like me most definitely are not allowed to live a social life, as we don't get blinded by the society, we see it's true, disgusting face.
Or maybe I`m just being pessimistic again.

The days when I want to grow my hair back, dress up all black, listen to some motherfucking speed metal and just be the plain me. A short flashback and the realisation that the world would never understand or accept me like that.

Anyhow, not getting very far with the android development stuff. Have some ideas on what I would love to make to make my everyday life a tiny bit easier, but meh, even acquiring the necessary software is a hassle. But oh well, since there is nothing better for me to do anyway, maybe I will eventually pull it through...after a year or two. And then give up on it like I have done with pretty much everything in my life so far.

And it's kinda sad that this is the only thing I have to share on my blog in two months.