So many things to do, so few priority choices...
And let's not even start on the things that are a complete waste of time, yet required to do...
Corporate bureaucracy sure takes its toll. My sympathy for Dilbert comic strips exponentially increases.

Another "Hello World!" was born today.
I wonder if it will go anywhere.

Everything beautiful in this world is made from sadness, suffering or destruction. I hope there is no God that created  it.

Sometimes it feels like after you live through everything good, only sadness remains with you. I wonder if that's just me.

Shallow sea of shallowness

Recently I was told that I'm the kind of people that just can't enjoy art no matter what we do. While it is as clear as a day that it really is so, it got me thinking about it.
What does it even mean "to enjoy art", how do people do that and why.
As much as I can gather, it's not the piece of art itself but the process. People find enjoyment in discovering paths hidden in the creation. To them it's like an advanced puzzle that asks for deciphering. As a reward for that, they get to understand a piece of artists mind, the message encoded, if there ever was one.
It sounds noble and enlightening as fuck, but there are reasons I don't go for that myself.
Usually you need a lot of background information about the piece, about the artist, you need to understand what were the times and what was the artist going through. Gathering this information requires a lot of time and dedication, as well as working memory, that I do not have. After all that you think that you would get something life-changing in return, but mostly it's just something one guy thinks. Art is created by people and regardless, weather they bring their messages over in form of art or statement, the value of it is defined by the state of mind of the perceiver. I repeat - it's not how it's brought to you, it's not the effort put in acquiring it, it's just how much you agree with it yourself.
So what's the point of it? Firstly, there are a lot of people out there who are so shallow, that the only point for them there is to show off, how intelligent and cultural they are, that it makes them better than the rest. But that's not everyone. Many people just enjoy complicating things, they feel that stuff is more enjoyable that way. Usually they also apply the same logic to other aspects of their life so they are never, what you would call, easy to talk to. I can't say that I agree with them, but really, neither have I anything against them. It's a sane choice, that has it's PROs and CONs.
Can I enjoy art? Yes, it's possible, but rarely. Back in the day I have dabbled in trying to analyse different kinds of art, but whenever I did that, I soon lost interest in it. The process itself became easy enough with some practice and the messages just weren't worth the time and effort. Also I didn't really like the part of community, where people start overanalysing everything. Rather, I enjoy originality, something nobody has came up with before. Art is too full of reproductions and dramatized expressions, originality there is rare and buried under the shallow sea of shallowness. Or maybe I'm just not lucky enough.

I must stress again that it's just my opinion based in my experience.

Caution: The perception of this artwork in relation to this post may be 

different from the original intention of the artist.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Don't you hate it when an old stupid song becomes so relatable later?

Question 3

Each one of us, in his own way, struggles with the world, how it is now. Escaping to our own reality is the only way out, aside from suicide, of course. Other than that, there is nothing much else common between the people. Everyone has their own dreams, their own wishes and their own utopia.
Most of us have seen the movie Matrix, where the idea of escaping from reality was used in a pretty direct sense. Humans were made into batteries, forced to live virtual reality crated by cold, calculating machines, to keep them at bay. It begs for a question, if there is a shared dream even possible? One, where everyone would live without trying to escape. Knowing human nature, I would rather say that no, it's not. Even in the before mentioned Matrix, The Architect explained to Neo, that it was the 6th installation of Matrix, that every other had failed before, especially the first, which was essentially utopia. Why? Because humans will always want more, more of everything they can get their hands on. It's a defining trait of human nature, that's responsible for our evolution and advance, as well as the same dreams we keep living in.
I'm quite sure that we can get rid of our greed with big enough advancements in medicine, but getting rid of it would mean the annihilation of every possible further advancement. A better solution might be regulating it. However, would we stop running then? No, we would still keep escaping from ourselves.
Can we stop running at all? I shouldn't even be asking that question, because the answer is obvious - no, the moment we stop running we stop existing.

Question 2

Nobody really wants to live in this world, knowingly or not. Some, the less fortunate ones, even regard to it as Hell. People escape the reality at every chance and when there is no chance given - by death. Death indeed, the last resort, the most obvious way out.
So why do we keep struggling to live in here? For hope? For happiness? Because we are afraid?
If we look at people being thorn away from this reality, we will always see fear. Fear of the unknown which is to come. Fear of the illusions our paranoia has plotted in our heads. Fear of losing what has never been ours. Fear makes its presence at every death and we fear the fear. However, it's not what holds us back from escape. Fear can be overcome and it was never there, when we first encountered life and choose not to abandon it.  Fear may make us do many things, but it does not make us clinge to life.
Lucky people might agree that they live because they feel good and happy that way. On some scale it's possible, but happiness is just a measurement of hormones in your brsin. And even so, even if your brain feeds on constantly high serotonine levels, the moments of indifference, apathy, unhappiness and despair will outnumber every moment you feel good. Thus happiness is just a mechanic, evolved to fool our brain and body. At least in this world. And that were the, we would stop functioning every time we dofn't feel happy.
My choice is hope. Hope is limitless. Hope lasts to our last dying breath and where you chop down one hope, two new rise. Hope is your undying dragon that will carry your wish and see it come true. It really is the embodiment of the previous two that will always give you something to fight for, to live for.
It may not solve the quest for purpose in life. People may disagree with it. People may not even care about the why and just keep living in the moment. And it will not matter either way. Everyone has their own reason for it and it should stay that way, if we want this world to continue.

Hunger

Watch a child cling to his mother. Watch him cling to his favorite toy, never letting it out of his hand. It's the basic instinct like there, like a pup clings to food. As always, it's the pure child that reveals the true human nature. Humans eat the world!

Question 1

Each of us lives in a world apart from the real one. For some of us it's the world that could be, for some it's one that has been, for others it's the one that will be and for a few it's a world that could nevar be. Mostly those worlds parallel with the real one. They will never cross or become one and the same. For the lucky ones they do sometimes cross, but just for a brief moment of heavenly blessing, and then they drift apart again forever.
The worlds we live in differ from each other in their unique way. One could say, that they are always worlds apart. On one hand you have that young boyish girl, who has taken up soccer and dreams to gather a stadium full of audience, watching what she does best and cheering at every performance of splendor and skill. On the other hand you have a NEET, sitting at home, at his computer, dreaming of world were anime characters and magic was real, where everything were possible and all his bad luck would be dispelled with a stroke of a wand.
It's easy to tell what kind of phantasies are more accepted in the society and which are shunned. But where do we draw the line between what's a good and what's a bad phantasy world? Well, I don't think we should.
To draw a line, we would need to evaluate each of the dreams, but we just can't do that. Objectively all of them are of the same value for their owners. They all are just as sad and pathetic, as they are beautiful and important. They serve the same purpose and can not be denied. There can be only one subjective value system that's already in the place - how easy they can be adapted to the real world, one built by our phamtom society, one that always changes in the turmoil of time, dreams and resources.
Our society will always try to put shackles on people's thoughts and the way they develop. However knowing and understanding the truth makes you realise that you are free no matter what, because none of us lives in this world anyway. We just gather resources here, to continue living somewhere else.

Sad story, bro

[frustration]
Getting your first job might be still exciting as well as getting a job that you always wanted. Mainly, though, every story about getting a job is a sad story in one way or another.
Daily I see people with good education and actual brains in their head to work in a place way under their level. The same place I work in  with basic highscooleducation and no particular skills. While loking for something better I always ask weather I deserve something better? Well, no, I don't. But would I do a better job than some people with higher education? Sadly, it's very much even possible.
There are also a lot of other things that make me sad while job-hunting. Like the usual requirement for people to already have experience they can't get because nobody takes them without experience. There are also a lot of places that could offee you decent salary, they promote it, but at the end they just cut off all the cornes for ridiculous requirements. There are places that, if lucky, put down an ad for something that anyway gets given to someone they know personally.  Most of the time you can't even understand the criteria by which they choose people. Couple of times I applied for job in places where I would do the same damn thing I do now. Sure they didn't have education requirements put down in the ad, but obviously it was a factor since i never got a response. Then, if you get lucky, you manage to get an interview but after it they barely reply to you that you didn't get the job. And some other things I'm extremely uncomfortable to even think about.
And after all this text I still must say that I just might be extremely unlucky, as the cruel evidence of real life shows me. I can whine all I want, but people keep getting a job without much effort everywhere and they are always the same people I would like to see being overrun by a bus for how stupif they are.
[/frustration]

The more I struggle the less I understand how can there be people dumber than me in every aspect and how the hell they manage to survive (at times more than just a little succesful).
Reveal your secrets, Life!

It's free, just costs your time and soul

A lot of my free time, as always, is spent on playing video games. I was not lazy in that regard during last year as well.

I really like MMORPG genre in games, but unfortunately it eats a lot of your time. Because of that, for a time, I had switched to pure FPS till I discovered Warframe.

Warframe is a blend between an RPG and FPS. Sure there have been quite many lately, but not every each of them is successful at that. Warframe is kinda like Mass Effect + Ninja Gaiden + enemy spam. Really an engaging game (with all of its grind), that I have spent more than 1k play-hours on.

After a while I rediscovered another game that brought me back to MMORPG, RIFT. The game itself was launched couple years back, but at first it was a pure p2p game which was not that appealing. Last year, however, it switched to f2p and it's really awesome at that. Basically it is just a regular game of its genre and it first it might seem that it does not hold all that much content. However, while playing it you discover and understand that there is just so much stuff to do that you will never get bored of it sitting at main city and chatting (unless you want to, ofc).

Third in the lot is a game that's not really a game - Ingress, a reality that reshapes your life in the most unexpected ways. You can get the mobile app on play store for Android. I first met with ingress a lot more than a year ago, however my Samsung Galaxy Mini could not run the app. Recently my gf got a new phone so I confiscated her old Samsung Galaxy Ace (not that it was much easier to run it there). Ingress is very engaging and forces you to change your lifestyle. A important part of it is the community that's certainly very friendly and since you do have yo cooperate with it, you can forget about your anonymity. I can't tell much more about it without spoiling the fun. However I was forced to drop the game because its too demanding on for my old phone. I do plan to return to it one day.

My lucky days

Sometimes it gets on my nerves how people don't understand what makes them feel happy or unhappy. It made me feel quite aggrevated listenong on two old hags @ bus stop discussing how they, when they were young, had nothing and didn't complain about it like their grandchildren.
Sure, there are people who have less and there are people who have more, yet their happiness is never proportional. It's always your environment and perception of it that makes you feel one way or another. It's better to be king of fools than the unluckiest among the lucky and blessed are the ones that are ignorant.
One way to deal with it is probably looking at people less lucky than you are. For the same reason people, who do charity work, are always a little more positive than they should be. It's a lowly method belittling others, but it does get the job done. Still it does not last and does not work on people for whome it's hard to turn off the reality switch (it's especially dangerous for these people because they can just break down in sadness and despaor, how life is unfair). Real world is always chasing after you and reminding, that you could have even more, but do not.

So how do you make someone else feel better? You make them aware that they had it better and their dreams are just fleeting everchanging hope (without mentioning it straightforward to their face, ofc.) How do you make yourself feel better? You use every opportunity to get lucky at anything at all, even the smallest things. What if it doesn't work? Well, life sucks.

A year and a bit

It has been more than a year since I last made any meaningless posts here. Not that I even completely forgot about my blog, I just didn't feel like writing anything here. I have kept notes of things to post, but now when I look back at it all, it's kinda out of place, so I will still keep them for some other time.

As for today, today I wanted to look back at this past year and maybe recount things that have changed, for Golden Time anime right now).
the worst and for the best. However, it might be just the pessimistic me, but still I can't name a single thing that has turned for the best. I had broken up with my gf for some time, my world got broken in parts, yet I`m still in the same place where I was, working in the same place, living in the same apartment, wearing the same clothes and stinking all the same. (and it's so damn sad to watch
What I need and what I want is a rollback of myself and my emotions from couple years back. I need to return to my apathetic self and not care a damn about what is the purpose of my life. Kinda like what I am inside games.

It's time for another brainwashing.
Time to reboot.

And time to continue...

Hey, I heard that reboots and rebranding are hip now. Think I should try it.

The last couple of days I keep thinking that I should hate feeling so apathetic and disinterested in anything. But whatever, who cares, nothing really matters.

Regarding weather or not the meat is too old, I will have to agree with people saying "If in doubt - toss it".
Fuck, getting this smell out of my apartment will probably take weeks.

I thought I could try making ramen today. I quickly changed my mind after discovering it's a rocket science.